


I Love You

by BeatlesNerd



Category: The Beatles
Genre: Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 07:11:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11801028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeatlesNerd/pseuds/BeatlesNerd
Summary: Lennstarr because there's not enough of it





	1. A kiss

The concert had finished long ago but Ringo was still upset. He had dropped three sets of drumsticks and broke another one. Never had he done that before on stage. He didn't even drop them when practicing. 

The other three had finished eating a few minutes ago. Paul and George went off to practice guitar playing. John was still sat at the table with him. He didn't know why, it's not he's making any conversation. He was deep in thought. What if Brian kicks him out? What if John hates him? What if the others regret asking him into the band? He was brought out of his thoughts by John, who was shaking him.

"Ringo, hey Rings can y'hear me?" John asked. He was shaking Ringo from across the table. At some point he got up and moved next to him. Ringo looked at John.

"What?" He asked. Confused as to why his vision was blurred. He wiped his eyes. They were wet. Ringo had tried hard not to show any emotions in front of anyone, especially John. Now he was sat there soaked in his own tears sat next to John.

"Are y'okay Rings, you were cryin' and y' couldn't 'ear me?" John asked he was concerned to see Ringo upset. Ringo nodded in return and stood up. He leant against the work top in the small kitchen, wiping his eyes. John also got up and stood in front of him.

"Hey why were you so upset then?" John asked. He was never very tactful when it came to talking to others. 

"That was the worst performance of my life. I'm ashamed. Why am I still in the band when I can't even hold some drumsticks?" He asked trying not to get upset again. John sighed. 

"Everyone has bad performance days Ringo, it's nothing to worry about. The crowd are so loud they probably wouldn't be able to tell if we actually played instruments or pretended." Ringo nodded and looked out of the kitchen door into the front room. He wanted to spend time with the others but couldn't face being with them whilst they were playing so perfectly. John noticed.

"Do you wanna spend some time with me. We can go into the spare room. It should be quiet in there." He asked, not wanting to upset the older man further. Ringo nodded and they made their way into the spare room with some snacks and two bottles of beer.

They had drunk the beers after and hour of being in the room, just talking about various things and trying to stay away from music. After another five minutes, John had moved closer to Ringo.

They weren't drunk. They were no where near being drunk and anything that happened would be remembered the next day.

"Y'know Rings, since we're talking about lots of things, I think now would be a good time to say something." John said calmly. He didn't want to worry Ringo.

"Oh yeah? And what would that be, John?" Ringo asked looking sceptical. John leaned over to whisper in Ringo's ear.

"I think you look fit." He whispered. He sat back where he was before, slightly redder in the face. Ringo was stunned. No one had said that before and he didn't know how to feel.

"Really?" Was Ringo was able to say in reply. John leaned forward again and kissed Ringo on the lips. 

In the heat of the moment he kissed back harder. As they kissed longer, they found themselves slowly losing clothes. John was the first to become fully naked, though Ringo was close behind. They got onto the double bed and John pushed Ringo down. He worked his hand up and down his member to help get it harder than it already was. He used his other hand to grip the base of Ringo and take it in his mouth. When John thought he was hard enough, he started to place fingers inside of Ringo. He started with one and made his way up to three.

After getting some quiet moans out of Ringo, John carefully slid his member inside Ringo. He started slowly getting faster as Ringo got used to the feeling. The bed was hitting the wall loudly and distracted George and Paul. They both assumed John had found a girl so they left him to it.

The older men were keeping as quiet as they could so the others wouldn't find out. As they reached the end John accidentally got louder and his moan filled the whole hotel room, luckily he didn't say Ringo's name. After they were done, they both got in the shower and dressed. 

"I'm going to head off to bed, John goodnight." Ringo said. John kissed him on the top of the head and wished goodnight back.

John went and joined the others in the main room. They were sat talking about going out. Paul was the first to notice John come in. 

"Hey, Where's Ringo?" Paul asked as John came into the room. He looked up at John who was slightly red in the face. Paul assumed it was because of what just happened in the bedroom, but John knew it was the mention of Ringo's name.

"How the fuck should I know, he's probably sleeping. Anyway I'm off to bed now." He said feeling himself starting to harden again thinking about Ringo.

He sloped off into the bedroom to get some solo relief. He finished in time for Paul to come in and get ready for bed himself. George had also gone to bed to find Ringo asleep, however in a similar situation to what John had just dealt with as George could see a large bulge through Ringo's trousers. He would ask Ringo about his dream in the morning.


	2. Do I Love Him?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Ringo is having some doubts and is dealing with them in a bad way.  
> Trigger Warning mentions and probable descriptions of self harm as well as mentions of suicidal thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this isn't too long, enjoy :)

Ringo woke up early the next morning to find his mind was going crazy. He had a wet dream last night and felt sticky, as well as remembering who that dream was about. He also remembered what really happened between them last night. Ringo went into his and George's shared bathroom and locked the door. He ran himself a quick shower and washed. When he was done he left the shower running so George wouldn't be suspicious if he woke up. Ringo sat in the bathroom silently sobbing thinking deeply about last night.

Why did I kiss him? I let one of my best friends fuck me. Does this make me queer? I don't like men do I? I'm a criminal now though. What we done last night is illegal. 

These thoughts were swimming around in Ringo's mind, making him feel worse. He had started slicing at his wrist with the blade from a safety razor. He had made at least twenty deep lines before he realised how much he had lost control.

He panicked and dropped the blade and decided to clean up. He picked up the blade and threw it in the bin, before turning off the shower and returning to his room.

George had already dressed in his suit for the day and was just putting his shoes on when Ringo returned.

"Morning Rings did you have a good sleep last night?" He asked smirking. Ringo shook his head a George's childish behaviour.

"Geo, as much as I would love to tell you about the wonderful dream I had, I think I should get dressed before Eppy comes in here and kills me for being late." Ringo said pointing at the clock that told the boys they were ten minutes behind schedule. George left the room laughing, he loved winding up Ringo.

The four all managed to get ready on time for Brian's arrival to take them to various interviews. By half past one, they were already half way through a practice for their performance tonight. 

They were going through one of the first songs they recorded as a group and were stopping here and there to make small changes.

Ringo was in a world of his own, not really paying attention to what the band was doing. He heard the others stop singing so he stopped drumming as Paul and John got closer to him.

"Rings could you speed up a little? You've started drumming like you've just learned how to hold the sticks." Paul said coldly. Ringo just nodded, he knew what Paul was saying was true and Paul was stressed. He knew this because if he wasn't he wouldn't have said it so rudely. He looked up to see Paul shaking his head as he returned to the mic.

Suddenly he had felt like it wasn't worth playing anymore and tears started to cloud his vision. He had dropped his sticks and stood slowly.

The other three turned to see why Ringo was messing about, watching as he left the drum kit. John had already taken his guitar off and started to walk towards Ringo when he nearly fell from the platform his drums were on.

"Rings are you okay?" John asked, just catching Ringo in time. When he got no reply he got worried.

"Ringo? I asked you a question." Still no reply. He and Ringo were stood there for a few more seconds before Ringo wrapped his arms around John and started crying.

John looked towards Paul and George confused. They both have him hand signals that said take him away we'll stay here, so John dragged him back stage.

After half an hour of being back stage John had managed to get Ringo to stop crying, though he refused to talk about what was wrong.

Brian had come backstage shortly after. "Boys we're done here for now. I don't want to stress Ringo out anymore because we need him tonight. Come on we're going back to the hotel." He said as he grabbed the two men and brought them back to the car.

Back at the hotel three of the lads decided to watch some telly while Ringo went into Brian's room for a chat.

"What happened earlier Ringo?" He asked concerned as they sat next to each other on the sofa. 

"I done something stupid and I need your help." Ringo said quietly and Brian nodded. "I have feelings for someone and I wanted some advice." He added.

Brian smiled kindly at Ringo. "That's nice Ringo but if you want advice about birds then you should speak to John not me." He said sadly. Ringo shook his head.

"No I can't, it's about John." Ringo said and Brian sighed.

"What has he done this time, bloody trouble maker." Brain said, but Ringo was getting upset that Eppy couldn't see what he was on about. He decided to just tell the truth. He would have to sooner or later.

"No Eppy, the feelings." Ringo started shakily. "They're about John." He finished quietly. Brian's eyes widened in surprise.

"Has something happened between you two?" He asked, wanting to know exactly what feelings Ringo had. Ringo nodded. "What happened?" Brain asked carefully.

"We kissed each other." Ringo admitted and Brian nodded. "Then y'know it led on." He didn't want to say it, especially to their manager, but Brian understood this time.

"You slept with him." He said making sure he caught on correctly and Ringo nodded. "Do you love him?" Brain asked. Ringo shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know, I'm confused." Ringo said playing with his right sleeve.

Brian nodded again. "And what was the stupid thing you done? Was it sleeping with him?" Brian asked cautiously, but Ringo shook his head and looked down in shame, still pulling at the shirt cuff. Brian noticed this and started to worry. 

"Is it something to do with your wrist?" He asked trying not to sound upset. Ringo nodded and Brian could hear his tear filled sniffles.

"Ringo please don't tell me you've done what I think you have." Brian said holding back his own tears. He had friends back in Liverpool that were in the same situation as Ringo, one of them killed themselves. 

"I'm sorry Bri." Ringo choked as he struggled to keep his tears in. Brian took Ringo's arms and lifted the sleeves up. The left arm was clear. He guessed that was because he used it to hurt the other one. He was right. Ringo's right wrist was covered in deep, red angry cuts.

"Ringo what were you trying to do when you made these cuts?" Brian was scared about what the answer could be. He didn't want to hear it but needed to if he wanted to help Ringo.

"I'm sorry. I just felt so useless and so wrong. I was ready to die." Ringo said. He didn't mean to say that part to Brian. He was already sad and stressed enough, without having to worry about one of the people he is supposed to looking after being suicidal.

"What?" Brian said slowly. "Did I hear that correctly?" He felt sick. He couldn't even make his own group feel safe and secure properly.

Ringo kept on talking through his tears, not stopping to think about how it made Brian feel. "I was ready. I had a plan, knew what I was going to do. Had it laid out ready." Ringo took some deep breaths.

"Tell me Ringo." Brian said. He would try and stop this happening again if he knew what could have happened. 

"I had the pills out ready, there was enough of them. I had some vodka too. I was gonna take them and then drink the vodka. While I was waiting I would have kept on cutting until I couldn't anymore." Ringo was shaking with tears everywhere. Brian was hugging Ringo tight. 

"Next time you feel like that or feel like cutting your wrist again you have to tell me. Even if we're busy in an interview or photo shoot, find a way to let me know." Ringo nodded into Brian's shoulder. "And if I forget because I'm stressed and tell you that it can't be that important or can't it wait, don't go just remind me okay?" Ringo nodded again. 

After the conversation, Ringo dried his eyes and went back into the other hotel room and got ready with the rest of the group and they headed off to their next performance.


	3. It Can't Wait

It had been two months since that chat with Brian and he had forgotten already. Brian was too busy and stressed to look after the boys properly. Ringo and John kept their activities quiet from the rest of the group. They had slept together only once since the first time, after Ringo had told John he wasn't sure how he felt about it. 

The four had been doing a photo shoot at the beach for some summer posters. Ringo had been feeling down already that week and this wasn't making him feel any better. The photographer wanted them to take their shirts off and get into trunks so they could do some pictures in the sea. Ringo was the only one who refused, leading to the others making fun of him.

Normally Ringo would be down for anything, but not today and certainly not this. He would also normally throw insults back at the others but he was too tired to do so. He was feeling relatively okay until the others started saying that if he didn't want to join in with group pictures he shouldn't be part of the group.

That's when Brian forgot until being reminded by Ringo.

Ringo had left shortly after the boys started picking on him like that. They made other remarks about him going to cry to his mummy too. Brian, who was watching the boys, was also getting stressed by Ringo's choice to defy the photographer. He held back his frustration as Ringo approached him.

"Ringo can you not just join in please? It would make everything so much easier." Brian asked. The other three were close enough to hear and agreed with their manager.

Ringo sighed. "Brian please." He sounded desperate. "I need to talk to you." He said looking towards the ground. The others laughed at him and made more silly remarks towards Ringo, though John was mostly keeping out of it.

"I'm sure it's not that important, it can wait until after the shoot." Brian replied and waved his hands at Ringo signalling for him to leave. 

Ringo looked Brian in the eye. "Suicidal" He whispered loud enough so only Brian could hear. Ringo walked off in the opposite direction along the beach. Brian's face drained and his eyes widened.

He turned to find Ringo had walked quite far and ran after him, leaving the other three confused. 

When he had caught up to Ringo he saw the drummer was crying. They weren't to far away from the others. They could clearly see everything but couldn't hear anything.

"Ringo what's wrong?" Brian asked as he got in front of Ringo. Ringo pushed Brian away before stumbling backwards a little.

"Can't you hear them? Making all sorts of remarks at me. Telling me I shouldn't be part of the group if I wasn't going to join in. I already feel like I'm not part of this and I'm not taking my shirt off, not if they're gonna see the scars on my wrists." Ringo said angrily, pointing back at the others. Brian nodded

"I'm sorry I haven't kept a better eye out for you. I will go and have words with them because they always seem to be picking in you." He replied, thinking about what they smaller man had said. "Hang on, you said wrists. I though it was only the right one." Brian asked with a more serious tone.

Ringo started crying again and hugged Brian tight. Surprised, Brian put his arms around Ringo too. "I'm sorry. There were times when I got stressed and upset. I didn't want to keep on bothering you with my problems." Ringo sobbed.

"I'll look at them later okay? Ringo you don't have to worry about bothering me, I'm your manager that's what I'm here for." He replied letting go of Ringo. They slowly made their way back towards the others. Ringo heard them laughing and stopped, earning a look from Brian.

"Stay here, i'll go and have a word with them." Brian said as Ringo sat down on the warm sand.

"Right boys, listen up. You have got to stop picking on Ringo, he's having a rough time of it at the moment and is struggling to cope. I don't want anymore bullying. Understood?" He asked looking at the three of them. 

"Oh boo hoo, we're all stressed and having a tough time doesn't mean we don't do what we're asked. He just wants attention." Paul said, the other two nodding in agreement.

"Yeah, what makes him so special? Just because he had a temper tantrum he gets out of doing this. It's unfair." George said in agreement with Paul. Brian had had enough.

"Right listen closely. Ringo doesn't know I'm telling you this, so if I hear anything about what I am about to tell you there will be serious consequences." Brian said. The boys nodded, knowing he follows through with threats. 

"Look when I said that Ringo was struggling to cope, I meant that his coping has lead to a dangerous habit. He's been hurting himself to try and feel better. I know it might seem hard to understand, but you shouldn't ask him about it. I chased after him because he told me he felt like that. I didn't want him to do anything stupid. Just leave him be okay?" The boys nodded silently. 

They were all forming plans as to how to trick Ringo and seeing if this was the truth. They wanted to see the scars for themselves, because they didn't completely trust Eppy. John was sceptical at first, but decided to go along with it worried about Ringo.

Paul was the first to see them. 

Later that night at the hotel room. Paul saw Ringo walking around and decided to get the fan mail they had to answer. He noticed Ringo wasn't looking where he was going so he turned around and pretended not to see him. Shortly after both of them were face to face with letters everywhere.

"Sorry Paul. I'll help you pick them up." Ringo said bending down to help Paul. 

"It's okay, I wasn't looking either." Paul replied. They both set to work, picking up hundreds of letters off the floor. Paul only got one glance at Ringo's wrist after nearly all of the envelopes had been collected. Paul was standing up to put his pile of letters on the nearby table and dropped one. Ringo stretched across and picked it up handing it to Paul, not realising how much his sleeve moved.

Paul didn't say anything about it, deciding it was probably best not too. After they had finished, Ringo headed back to his room and Paul to find George.

"Hey Georgie. Guess what?" Paul said as he entered the front room not realising John was there too. "Oh hey John, I didn't see you there." John smiled and nodded in return.

"What Paulie, is this important?" George asked in reply, trying to read the news paper.

"Yes. Bri wasn't lying earlier. Ringo does have scarred wrists." Paul said proudly, unaware Ringo was about to walk past.

"Yes but how do you know they're scars made by himself. They could be fake to get attention." George asked and Paul shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know, go and ask him." Paul said, but it was too late. Ringo had left and gone to Eppy's room.

He knocked on the door quickly and loudly, until it was opened. Brian opened the door to find Ringo stood there crying. He let Ringo in and sat him on the sofa.

"What's happened then?" Brian asked. Ringo slowed his breathing to get his words out. 

"Paul. He saw them. He saw the scars and then told the others." Ringo breathed. "George doesn't even believe that they're real. If he woke up to find me dead in the bathroom, would he believe me then?" Ringo asked quietly.

"Ringo are you feeling suicidal again?" Brian asked concerned. Ringo nodded and mumbled something about no one loving him and no one appreciating him. 

"Ringo have you tried anything?" Brian asked once again. Ringo shook his head.

"I was thinking about it. I was going to steal the car keys, start the engine and lock the doors." Ringo was still talking quietly. "I have only tried once." Brian was shocked. Why hadn't he been told this before.

"When was this? What happened?" Brian asked, worried he sounded to pushy.

"Last night. I took six sleeping pills, hoping it would be enough. It wasn't though. It just made me sick this morning." Ringo admitted.

"Ringo you should have come and seen me. Why didn't you tell me you were sick this morning? I could have cancelled." Brian asked, Ringo shrugged his shoulders. "You need to speak with the others, help them understand. Then they can help you feel better." Brian said as he stood up. Knowing he had no choice Ringo followed.


End file.
